In Pursuit of Butterflies (1)

Four years ago this November, I traveled to Africa. This had been a dream of mine since middle school. I had been to a Youth Evangelism Conference at a friend's church and they hosted a guest speaker from Malawi. He was beautiful. Not necessarily by the world's standards, but when he spoke, he radiated. He told of his country and his people, so poverty-stricken, yet so joyful. He was a pastor of a church and had only come to know the Lord 3 years ago, but his level of intimacy with Him was positively breathtaking. He invited us to join him in prayer for the people of Africa, for there were so many dying of disease, famine, and lonliness. I, however, didn't want to pray. I wanted to go.Eight years later, I went. I teamed up with a group called 4H.I.M ministries to travel to Ghana and Togo, Africa to help bring joy to kids in an orphanage and to aid in treating medical needs there. I was so excited, my dream finally coming true. I was going to see people on the other side of the world, and show my Jesus to them. I was going to love them and pray with them and give myself to them for twelve amazing days! As the plane landed in Africa, I was ecstatic!But something happenned to me as I took my first steps off the plane and onto African soil. I felt completely and utterly alone. God had taken me to a place that couldn't have been farther from my friends, family, and comfort zone. I was afraid.We traveled in the middle of the night to a private school in the country. It was there that we met our translater, Kenneth, recieved instructions for the next day, and were shown to our beds. When we awoke in the morning, we would head to the orphanage. I tossed and turned all night. I kept asking God if I had done the right thing, leaving my husband and family to come all the way across the ocean. Was it really going to make a difference? Why did I have this dream to come here? My sanity was kept intact by remembering words that were given to me by Beth Moore through a bible DVD series that I had been in the middle of when I left. "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me. Because the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release the prisoners from darkness. . ." I had to remind myself that there were plenty of poor in spirit and in wealth here and they needed the good news I had. It seemed like God had spoken so clearly to me in that verse through the DVD, I just wish that he would speak that clearly to me here.The following morning, we arose and met Kenneth once again. He wanted to take us on a quick tour of his private school and host a prayer vigil before we headed out to the orphanage. I'm unhappy to say that I was impatient. I was ready to go and get my mission started. I was ready to meet the children and hear their excited chatter and hold their hands and love on them. Fortunately, my Father and I are very much alike. However, he wanted to take a moment to answer my voice, to hold my hand, and to love on me.Kenneth led us to a gymnasium that had just been built. He was explaining how they constructed it, who was involved, how long it took, etc, etc. I didn't hear a word he said. As I walked through the front doors, my heart dropped to gymnasium floor. It was like someone said, "LOOK." I just stared in awe to the answer to my prayer. Written in bold letters all the way around the gym, were the words to the scripture from Isaiah 61."The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, o proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."It was then that I felt His hand on me in Africa.And as we left the gymnasium to head to the bus bound for the orphanage, I realized why God had led me to Africa. He had annointed me. He adored me, and wanted me to adore His children there. He loved me and wanted that LOVE to spill over into the hearts of the African people. I will forever know in my heart, however, that even if I weren't to accomplish any of those things there, he sent me to Africa to see the writing on the wall.I walked away that day inspired and awestruck. I walked away changed.I walked away with butterflies.

My Bucket List

Lifechurch.tv is doing a series entitled “At the Movies”, and this week’s focus was on a recent film with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman called The Bucket List. I personally have not seen this movie from beginning to end, but it’s definitely going to be on my to-do list. The gist of the movie is that two guys, who find out that they have cancer, form a friendship over the making of a list of things that they must accomplish before they “kick the bucket”. We were shown some clips of the movie during the sermon, and they really stirred some emotions in me.
I am forever making lists myself. Usually grocery lists, chore lists, work-task lists, book lists, etc. But I don’t think I’ve ever really sat down and thought about the things that I must do before I die. Making that list would require a great deal more thought than organizing my groceries, or projects for the week. For I’m realizing that the things that I wish to accomplish this week, or month, or even year, are not necessarily things that would warrant a space on my “bucket list”. They seem petty and insignificant.
Along with their adventures together to complete their lists, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson come to the realization that most of the things that really mean something to them in the end relate to relationships. Our pastor talked about a verse that is very familiar to me. It talks about a man that asked Jesus, “What is the most important commandment of all?” Jesus replied, “The greatest commandment is this, that you love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might, and with all your strength. And the second greatest commandment is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself.”
In thinking about my “bucket list” and relating it to this scripture, it occurs to me that most, if not all, of the items on my list should be relational. God very clearly states that we need to spend our life learning to love HIM more. It’s the greatest commandment, after all. And the second commandment states that we should take that love further in learning to love our neighbor as ourselves. God says that our relationships should be our top priority, under loving Him. Does my bucket list reflect that mindset?
I would say that I am a very relational person. But there are relationships in my life that I have left on the backburner just because I wanted to concentrate on work, or school, or reading, or writing, or activities. I need to make them right. I need to make them a priority.
I’m going to start my “Bucket List” tonight. And hopefully, it will steer my life in a direction that is more in tune with the heart of God. I want to value my friends and family the way God does. And I want to accomplish things in my life that make a lasting impression on the people I love. I want to live my life in a way that inspires others to love as well. I know that this week, my grocery list won’t matter nearly as much! I’ll be focusing on a bit higher calling. ;)

Summer Blues

I'm realizing sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. I feel as though I've spent the majority of the summer griping at myself for not being ready for the summer. Last summer, I swore to myself that I would be back in shape, full of energy, and soaking up summer for all it's worth. I spend the majority of my time inside, when I should be out enjoying the sunshine and water. But I feel uncomfortable. It's amazing how society has fashioned us into thinking you have to be a certain weight to be seen in a swimsuit. I'm even starting to believe them. I was mortified when I put mine on for the first time this year. I may be slightly in denial, but I don't think I'm what you would consider a "big girl", but let's face it, after a baby, things don't fit into a bikini the way that they used to! ;) I just wish society as a whole would start to be more concerned with what's on the inside than what's on the outside. It would make my life, and my summer, run so much smoother. ;)

But what I wish more than anything is that the process of losing weight and getting toned didn't have to come at such a cost to the tastebuds and the wallet. Why is being thin so expensive and so disgusting? Most vegetables just don't do it for me. And I'm learning fast that eating too many fruits only adds to my sugar and carb intake. UGH! I'm not sure WHAT I can eat anymore! And let's just get it out there that calling a diet, a "food plan", does NOT make it any easier. I'm seconds away from deciding that being skinny is not worth the sacrifices. Surely it can't be that fabulous! I've been there before, and didn't think it was all that! ;)

I guess I'm just venting today, and scared my summer is slowly seeping away without much excitement. I do plan to keep up my regime of eating healthier (yuck) and spending as much time as I can outside and active in order to get my physich back. I know it will be worth it. And I will be proud of myself for doing it. Honestly, the pride I have in myself for finally reaching my goal by next summer may far outweigh the actual feeling of being thin. After all, it's what's inside that counts, right! I would just really love for the outside and the inside to match! ;)

Thanks for the listening ear!

When Reality Fogs the Dreams of Yesterday

It is rare that I actually get time to myself to sit and really think about my life. I have a husband who needs my affection and listening ear, a toddler who constantly wants to hang on to my attention, friends I am constantly neglecting, laundry that goes unfinished, dirty dishes, a disastrous MESS of a car, legs that consistently need shaving, and mountains of unanswered emails from family and dearly missed friends. With all of this chaos constantly cluttering up my life, it's no wonder that my reality has clouded my view and remembrance of the dreams I had for my life.

Tonight, as I was rocking Noah to sleep, I got to remember. I took myself back to a time where Friday night football games and tomorrow's book report were the only things that got in the way of my daydreaming big things for my future. I was so determined and so excited about all the things I just KNEW God had planned for my life. Things like turning those children's books I wrote my junior and senior year into real published peices. Oh, how I wanted to be a REAL Author! And then I would go on to write other things, such as devotionals for teenagers, then maybe even travel around speaking to teens all over the nation about how they can truly be intimate with the Lord and hear what calling he has for them and their future. My dream was to be an instrument that God used to point people to their God-given future. To encourage them to be all that God wants them to be and to NEVER lose sight of their dreams. Funny how I lost sight of my own.

There are many reasons why life has gotten in the way of God's plan for me. Not that I don't think he has me here for a reason. I believe each season has a purpose, even those seasons of confusion and chaos and clouded dreams. But I think the main reason I can't see past the fog of reality is simply this: I've lost the passion in my life.

I think in any life, in any marriage even, there are moments when the butterflies, the passion, are missing. They are never gone, they are just temporarily misplaced. I am in the process in this season of my life, to find those butterflies again. They were beautiful when they were there. They spurred excitement, dreams, a clear anointed vision for what I wanted to accomplish in my life. So, as of today, I am on the hunt for those butterflies. The best way I know how to find them, is to remember where I had them last. In the next few months, I plan to do the things which I once did, to attain that which I once had. The passion, the butterflies, the dreams.

With that all said. . . .

I want to be an AUTHOR. I want to be a COUNSELOR. I want to be a SPEAKER. I want to TRAVEL to places where people don't know the GOD I know. I want to TEACH. I want to PREACH. I want to ENCOURAGE. I want to be an INSTRUMENT God uses in the life of other women. I want to MINISTER. I want to REMEMBER how to be INTIMATE with my FIRST LOVE. I want to GROW. I want to HEAL. I want to be ANOINTED again.

and I know God will accomplish all this through me and much, much more.

"For the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."

This is my vision, my passion. . . .my butterflies.

He Has My Heart

I have to say, being a young mom to a little boy is the coolest miracle in the world. Granted, I don't have any experience with daughters (yet/as I'm hopeful), but there is just something about little boys. Today was the first time that my 17 month old little man looked at me, and when I said (as I do so often), "I love you, Noah", he replied, "I ug oo". My heart swelled.



Everyday is a new adventure. He's sweet as pie one minute, looking up at me under those long eyelashes and poking out that bottom lip and whimpering, "hi mommeeee", and in one split second he takes on the personality of the Incredible Hulk and balls up his fist and strains even his neck muscles in frustration at me telling him "NO" to punching the buttons on the t.v. I almost can't keep up! ;) But I press on.

Being a mom to a little boy means having unending patience, as he is forever persistent. A trait that will grow up to suit him nicely, but is only an irritation now as he refuses to back down from leaving Daddy's DVD case intact. It means fostering that determination he has with learning how to climb up and down the stairs, knowing that that same determination will help him climb mountains in the future. It means being there every night to put him to bed, reading, bathing, rocking, singing, showing him there is a safety to routine, so that he will understand a time and a place for everything. Being a mom to a little boy means not letting him scream and screech with frustration now, so he will learn to tame his anger when he is older. It means saying and doing all the things we SWORE we would never say. . . ."Use your inside voice, son!. . . .Do NOT throw that! You're going to put someone's eye out!. . .Slow down!. . . .Because I said so!. . . .and my all time favorite, Don't make me come over there!" because you know I will, and you know I DO everytime. Little boys think it's the coolest game ever to have Mommy chase them, tackle them, tickle them til their cheeks are pink with glee and they've peed their pants!

I think at this stage in the game, my biggest reward thus far are his smiles. Not just the toothy grins he gives when he knows he's being mischevious, or the ones with the tongue hanging out, waiting for Mommy to tell him how silly he is, but the ones full of pride. For every few days, he will learn something new. And knowing when he looks at me sounding out a new word for him, and then repeats it back effortlessly for the first time, the smiles that emerge from my showers of praise are worth every sleepless night, every temper tantrum, and every ache and pain of childbirth. When my little man claps his hands and squeals, "YAAAAAY!" at himself for learning something new, is by far the greatest miracle in the world. I know I had a hand in it. And his smiles of pride melt me everytime.

I know he will continue to learn new things. I know he will continue to try my patience, push his boundaries, and do what all little boys do best. . .Make their Mommy's crazy! :) And I can't wait to sit in the sidelines and be a small part of the cheerleader, the driver, the teacher, the friend, the comforter, and the mom. Because I'm not sure when it happenned. Maybe it was the first time he took a step on his own. Or the first time he said "Mommy". Or the way I feel when I see the way he looks at my husband, so adoring. But at some point in time along the way, I realized just how much I love being a mom to a little boy. For if it's one thing I'm certain of, it's this. This little man forever has my heart.

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=yourbelle2

So, the above link is my new fitness/wellness journal. Feel free to check it out anytime. I'll be updating it daily. It will be all about my ongoing struggle to feel and look healthier in the near future. Of course, along with any new challenge, accountability is key. I do have a "partner" in this new endeavor (thanks Abbi!), but any other feedback/encouragement will be appreciated as well! The goal is to be 27 lbs lighter in 3 months, MUCH, MUCH more active, and have tons more energy. Off we go!